Tips from a Daily Blogger #2: How (Not) To Get Comments

By Michael H. on February 23, 2012

photo from flickr.com, uploaded by http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonbro/301098365/

 

 

 

 

This is a follow-up to last week’s post concerning tips for beginning bloggers. The previous post may be found HERE.

 

 

 

 

(Disclaimer: the following is meant to be a comical example of “what not to do.”)

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Bloggers enjoy receiving feedback from their readers. There are several ways to go about this that are highly effective, and we’ll be discussing some of them in the following paragraphs.

Over the couple years I’ve been blogging now, I’ve found that readers take great pleasure in ambiguous sarcasm. The harder it is for the reader to decipher the actual tone of the text, the better. This will lead to a good amount of confusion. Confusion is ideal for generating comments. Most readers probably won’t get through the whole thing because of the muddled writing, but those that find their way to the bottom of the page are sure to comment! How could they not with all the questions they must have?

That leads me into another perfect comment creator: rhetorical questions. Most professors will tell you not to ask the reader questions because you’re trying to provide them with information. Supposedly, if you ask the reader something rhetorical, “it might take them out of the reading experience and cause them to become distracted or disinterested.” Every great writer knows that this is a fallacy. People love unnecessary questions. Most conversations get started with questions! Everyone wants their writing to be conversational.

If you’re going to have a conversation with your readers, surely it should be an intellectual one. What better way to start an intellectual discussion than with controversial or misinformed statements. All of us have a Facebook these days, and everyone knows the best way to get people to start a discussion is by linking misinformation from biased sources. If you choose to take the more controversial route, you can choose anything from prejudice to political or religious bias to unreasonable movie reviews. An example would be:

The original Star Wars trilogy is terribly overrated. The special effects are lackluster and outdated. George Lucas was right in his decision to add material; his next move should be to get them digitally remastered for IMAX 3D. If he really wanted to make them great, he’d fix the terrible acting by Luke Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi, and Han Solo. They would be portrayed exquisitely by the Jonas Brothers.

If none of the aforementioned paths to comment glory are working for you, your last bastion of hope lies in the realm of inflammatory speech. This is the best way to get readers riled up and ready to fight back. My personal favorites include: directly insulting your audience (Armchair Quarterback), attacking rival sports teams (like the Green Bay Slackers), and defending positions when you know they’re wrong (“You’re wrong because I hate you!”). People hate it when you agree with them. Agreeing with their opinions is a sign of weakness. You might as well just dress up like Robin and try to find Batman, because you’re a sidekick. Real men carry their opinions in their utility belt and will fight to the death if someone tells them they’re wrong. Batman wouldn’t kill a criminal, but speak badly about the Gotham City Gators – his favorite football team – and he would beat you to a bloody pulp.

If none of these attempts at being awesome result in any feedback from your readers, you’re clearly just a terrible writer. At this point you should  begin plagiarizing more successful blogs. Try to start off small, then work your way up to the Huffington Post. Plagiarism is an art form that takes the utmost courage and diligence, a disdain for citing sources, and a fathomless lack of talent. If someone reads something you wrote and says something reasonably decent about it, then you’re not good enough to become a plagiarist.

Now you’re prepared; go forth and conquer the blogosphere!

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(For those who missed the disclaimer at the beginning, this has been a look at what NOT to do. Please don’t use any of these, as your goal is to get an audience that keeps coming back and likes reading what you’ve written. What was written above will ensure that they will leave almost immediately, or only provide negative feedback. I hope you’ve enjoyed this addition to the series. Thanks for reading!)

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